what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
