Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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