she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
