felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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