I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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