Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize