my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
