Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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