just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
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I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
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I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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