I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
