I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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