I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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