btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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