remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
