We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
