Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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