You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
