can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
