I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
