And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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