Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
