his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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