sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
