Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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