I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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