Pants 0. Shit 1.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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