my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
