saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
