I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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