I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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