He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
