Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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