If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Panties = found
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
