How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
