He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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