Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
