i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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