Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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