If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
