Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
