my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
