i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
