He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
