It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
