I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize