i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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