i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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