Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
