She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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