please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
