what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
