While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
