my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
