Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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