Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
