I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
