you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
