Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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