If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
