I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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