and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
