My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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