My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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